Sunday, May 6, 2012
I wrote yesterday but only managed to squeak out 456 words. Given I have been cranking out an average of a 1000 every time I write, this felt like writing failure. And, I couldn’t quite “finish” the piece so I ended up abandoning it and going dress shopping (more on that in a minute).
Now I have 39 minutes to write this post and get it out there. I really want to keep my morning writing routine. At 6:51, I am getting a later start than usual and need to leave the house at 7:30. Pressure. Writing under pressure doesn’t flow so well. Writing what comes to me as I sit is very different than writing on a prescribed topic or under a time limit. Yesterday, I began (again) my challenge of re-writing my book Waiting for Jack. And, yesterday on my second attempt since the fire, I went down many paths none of which lead to many words on the page. I took a drive into town, got breakfast at Einstein’s, took the garbage out, browsed house plan books and websites. And, I was very very sleepy. I had planned to write all day yet it took me until 10am to even sit in front of the computer. A rusty 456 words later, I still wasn’t getting anywhere. I did do some cleaning of my email inbox however.
Before the fire, I printed my entire book out and began highlighting what I liked and what had to go. This publisher loved my writing and wanted an updated take on the concept. We would delve in together into the topic of “waiting”. And, we would remove the “jack” reference.
We began to work out this deal at the beginning of this year. I loved the opportunity of doing a re-write with a new publisher and having the ability to further develop what I already liked about my book and ditch what was outdated. Yes, it has only been 2 years since the book came out but I wrote it in 2008 so a lot has changed. And, now even more has changed.
At some point, after my extreme end of year ‘burn-out’, I declared 2012 the year of letting go of attachments (can you believe that?) so when this deal came to fruition I saw it as one more place to release and I became ready to stop “Waiting for Jack” once and for all.
You see, even though I had the epiphany (when I caught myself waiting for Jack) in early 2008 that lead to a soul-searching inquiry into “What am I waiting for?” I still on many levels have been waiting for Jack.
Throughout my book, I emphasized no guarantee that you (the reader) would never wait again. It is human to wait. We all do it. But now, since this recent turn of events, I inquire again. How have I let myself off the hook? At what point do the excuses become the status quo? What am I waiting for?
As I have been saying all along, I am not ready to know all the lessons from this fire. I am in the process of metamorphosis, still too early to be removed from the cocoon. One well-meaning friend wanted me to “Snap out of it”. I politely declined. It is simply not time to snap out of it. I still need to snap into it. To think I should figure out all the lessons at this point is silly. It also would fall into my over-achieving nature.
In my response to my friend, I looked at the trap that many of us who are on a transformational journey fall in to. We think that because we “know” better we should always be better. We have less space for angst and upset.
This is exhausting. We are not supposed to always be cheerleaders. Create something new – woooo-hoooo. Choose an empowering context – go team. See what lie you are telling yourself – oh my. Just what are you attracting in to your life – gag me… It can become too much. Then we can fall into the trap of “transformation speak” where every word that comes out of our mouths sounds like jargon. I have been guilty of this myself – after 22 ½ years of being on the “path”, I have been indoctrinated. I speak recovery, I speak therapist, I speak transformation, and I speak spirituality. Phrases and words are used for a reason within each of the areas. They capture a mood, an essence, a message and communicate it clearly to those of us who need our B.S. penetrated deeply. But to the uninitiated, they can be off-putting.
I am not saying I won’t use lingo – I am suggesting that those of us who use the lingo be aware of how it might affect another. Do you know how hard it was to write that previous sentence without all sorts of lingo to express my call for lesser lingo??? Quite hard.
The real point is, let’s not hide behind lingo. Let’s not slap a label on stuff. I am not disempowered. I am grieving. It’s not that not willing to create a possibility, I am simply letting myself mourn. I am not fading away. I am coming more in to focus for myself. Thank you to my friend who helped me clarify for myself where I am and where I need to be.
I still haven’t written what I am “supposed” to write today. But now I am going to put on a fancy dress, meeting my women’s group at the site and take more photos before my foundation disappears. Do I mean this metaphorically? I do not know.