Sick

I did it.  I read the report.  And, now I feel sick.  I smell my own sweat in my stress reaction. I will share some of what I read.  And, some of what I heard at the Town Hall meeting last night. 

But first, I must say that there are those who are already saying we mountain residents should buck up.  We chose to live in a fire zone so what are we whining about.  I have actually seen comments such as these.  To that I say, when it’s an act of God, a fire is still devastating – and yes, we live here knowing this is a possibility.  We, like many of our neighbors had a “defensible space” around our home.  And, ironically, we received a grant from the Forest Service to preform this work.  They approved the thinning and marked trees that needed to go.  We also had a metal roof, fire resistant decking and metal siding on 1/3 of our house.  This fire was not an act of God.  It was an act of human error - and bureaucracy at it’s finest.   So yes, we are a little mad. 

I must remember, it’s always the ignorant that spout off at the mouth and are critical of a victim’s response.  We are all familiar with the “blame the rape victim” reaction.  “Well, she shouldn’t have been wearing such a short skirt and walking the streets by herself…”  These morons are to be expected.  When they turn up in our government, it is a little more disturbing. 

I will hit some of the “highlights” of the Prescribed Fire Review (ordered by the Governor’s office) dated April 13^th, 2012 with some editorial comments in italics:

There were record snowfalls in February – and then an abrupt pattern shift resulted in the driest and one of the warmest months of March on record.  All snowfall gains were depleted.  The weather pattern supported a high frequency of wind events, exacerbating the drying of fuels along the Front Range.  Sounds like a good time to stage a “controlled burn”, dontcha think?

March 23^rd marked the beginning of changing atmospheric conditions that became more conducive to support large fire activity…  A new record temp was hit in Denver on the 22^nd of 76 degrees.   Perfect…

A Fire Weather Watch was issued on March 24^th for the 26^th.  The Incident Command Officer patrolled the area on foot and ATV seeing no heat within the 200 feet of the perimeter. 

Even with the Fire Weather Watch predicted, they decided that no patrol was necessary on the 25^th…  Yet, the findings in the report state: “No patrol operations occurred on Sunday 3/25.  The burn was unstaffed.  Leaving the burn unstaffed on the third day following ignition is not consistent with burn plan requirements.   The plan states: “The fire will be directly patrolled and monitored for a minimum of 3 days following the initial burn, and then until significant moisture is received of the fire is declared out.”   Why would they choose to not follow protocol?  Why did they ignore the Fire Weather Watch?  Well, Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest…

On Sunday the 25^th at 526am, the NWS Forecast reported: “Fire weather watch in effect from Monday morning through Monday evening with strong winds and low relative humidity… “

Then at 1215pm on the 25th, the NWS upgraded the Fire Weather Watch to a Red Flag Warning. 

Aren’t they glad they stayed home? 

On Monday the 26^th, the NWS issued a “Red Flag Warning with 60mph gusts of wind.” 

At 10am on the 26^th, the Incident Commander and 2 firemen arrive in a pickup truck at the scene for patrol.  Had to sleep in, couldn’t get there earlier, I guess…

At 11am, conditions begin changing at the site – winds increasing.  At 1230, crew on the site notice “embers” being blown. 

At 1pm, they discover small spot fires outside the perimeter.  They order another fire engine – but no firefighters.  (hmmmm, don’t worry fella’s, we got this!)  They notice an increase in smoke and at 140pm, and discover a new spot fire outside the perimeter of the “controlled burn”. 

Within 15 minutes, the spot has grown to 1.5 acres and was “growing fast”.  Additional resources are called in and arrive at 2pm.  By 230 it has grown to 7 acres and is declared “an escaped fire”…

Predicted meteorological conditions were consistent with historic fire events across Colorado. 

Lessons learned (it SERIOUSLY says these things….): 

• Chunks of charred material in the black can reignite on a hot windy day when exposed to ember wash.  Hmmmm, this is big news for our “experts” who have years and years of forest fire experience…
• Recognize that an area that gave a problem during blacklineing could be a problem area during subsequent ignitions or mop up
• Pay closer attention to the weather. 
• Residual heat sources can be an escape threat during high winds
• Patrol and monitoring needs to be more responsive and adaptive to changing conditions
• Portable weather stations are a great source of site-specific weather info.  Make sure they are properly maintained (The wind direction sensor was malfunctioning since March 19^th…)

I will only briefly mention some other breakdowns in the “perfect storm”, including the failure in the Reverse 911 system which called people across the country to evacuate, yet didn’t call most of us who had Littleton or Morrison addresses (every home that burned had a Littleton address)…  Or the breakdown of communication between the fire departments on scene…. Or the reports of citizens being told “not to call every time you see smoke” (as reported in the Denver Post).  Or worse still, the tragically poignant recording of Ann Appel (who died in the fire) being assured by a 911 operator that crews were on the scene, she hanging up sounding relieved… And, there were many transcripts with calls such as this. 

Last night at the Town Hall meeting, Mike King (on behalf of the Governor) discussed yet another breakdown - the chain of command of the Forest Service has no single line of authority – and thusly no single chain of accountability.  The Colorado State Forest service is a division of Colorado State University, and is managed by two different departments.  A perfect storm of bureaucracy at work…

During the open Q&A session, Mike King also shared this illuminating insight with a small group of concerned citizens, “the person in charge of the burn is dealing with a terminally ill family member” and "his head really isn't in the game."

To quote my husband on his blog:   

“First of all, I would like to offer my deepest sympathy. I can imagine how distracting and heart wrenching that must be. I can imagine that because I just lost nearly everything I owned and almost lost my wife in that fire. So, I can guess at how that could impact someone’s judgment. In my case, I have had to ask people to cover for me on days when I cannot think straight because I am aware that I am not functioning at full capacity. That is because, it does not matter how I feel about it or what my intentions are, if I do not perform, I am ultimately responsible.”

A perfect storm of human error destroyed our homes and killed three people.  King closed by saying, “We can’t make it better.  We can’t make it right.  But we understand what you are going through….” 

Really? 

Just not right now...

What would we do without our dogs?  Seriously.  My dogs keep me sane – along with all of you who read my blog J.  Ever since the fire, my back has been wrecked.  I have had massages, chiropractic treatments, begun walking again, stretch daily, hot tub regularly… Yesterday morning, after yoga and stretching, I bent slightly and it tweaked.  I fell to the floor sobbing.  Seriously.  The emotional pain is heavy enough – do we really need to add physical pain too? 

Today I am seeing DJ at Evergreen Center for Therapeutic Massage, a practitioner who helped Steve Wilson get back to normal after his back injury.  Hoping, hoping, hoping.  It’s my sacrum – and whatever it is down there, it is holding on for dear life!  Shit howdy.  It gives me even more compassion for chronic pain sufferers like my dear husband and my father who have dealt with back pain for years. 

Back pain gives a sense of instability.  I can’t count on my core to hold me.  I can’t stand up straight.  The pain is sharp and stabbing.  I feel older than my years as I hobble around… Hmmm.  So glad there are no metaphorical or metaphysical connections there!

As previously shared, nights are not my favorite.  I start to come unglued after a certain bewitching hour.  When under high levels of stress, the little things are maddening.  There have been so many moments that I have considered hurling my poor Mac across the room due to a frozen screen.  My iPhone shows 3 bars and texts won’t leave my outbox.  Maddening.  I can take info in – until a certain point and then I want to snap or scream. 

My coach suggested that perhaps I might have some anger to express – and work through.  Me thinks she is right.  For those of you on my Abundance circle call last night, you witnessed me on the edge.  The questions, normally harmless and always inspirational, were triggering to the max.  What do I want to create?  “What the F-K do you mean?????”  I wanted to scream.  Instead of screaming, I texted my Circle sisters and dropped the f-bomb.  Thanks for hearing me, ladies. 

My coach and I explored some of emerging themes from this unrequested transformation.  We talked about my chronic need to be good and nice; to do the right thing; to always use my spiritual tool kit; to create an empowering context.  I am not knocking all of that – but for all you “good girls” out there, you know what I am talking about. 

Many of us become trapped in that persona.  I have so many years of personal development under my belt that I am habituated to look for the gift.  Again, nothing wrong here, except that I may skip over some of the ugly.  My client and friend Sara Nowlin is writing a book called Love Your Ugly.  It’s easy to say, not so easy to do. 

I have always preached the ‘embrace your humanity’ theme.  I have always appreciated rawness, realness and deep feelings.  As I mentioned yesterday, I ended 2011 having great success in my business, but feeling out of gas.  Still driven, still trying to prove something, still trying to get somewhere – exhausted.  My 3 week unplug in the Bahamas was wonderful, but I picked the stress back up a mere week after getting back to work.  I love my work; I have found my expression in coaching other authors to write their books – yet I let running my business run me into the ground. 

And, I thought I was busy before!  Hmmmm.  I didn’t know busy.  Now, in addition to my business, I am running the corporation of “Rebuild our Life”.  My fire survivor friend said it took her 8 months to do her inventory – and that was with a paid assistant.  They called it “Operation Shock and Awe”.  We are now setting up a calendar for my friends to join me in the operation. 

Yesterday, I spent the entire day gathering the contact info for all my neighbors who lost homes so we can meet just us, as a group with our county rep and the community support people.  I talked to Sharon at Mountain Resource Center, Susan at Conifer Area Council, Jonathan at Jefferson Conservation District, Becky at the County Building Department.  I emailed Amy from United Way out of Boulder and Garry the Boulder County official who has been so helpful to the Fourmile Canyon folks.  I talked to neighbors, building the list so we can be informed together.  I explored United Policy Holders, a free resource with insurance information (write that one down, just in case…). 

A pressing need for all of us, besides everything else we need to do, is erosion prevention.  Now that all our ground cover is gone and the trees are dead or dying, we are at risk of our mountainsides sliding down the hill.  This is a big concern – and the beleguered Boulder folks dealt with it last year after a season full of rain.  We need to get stabilization of the soil ASAP. 

Doing yoga, with dogs...

What about having some fun, you ask?  How have I been creating fun?  Well… watching movies at night is a nice release although I fall asleep 20 minutes in, but then can’t fall asleep once in bed.  My dogs are fun.  Tigger stretches with me, actually sitting on me while I am attempting to stretch.  It doesn’t help my routine, but it helps my mood.  Take a break you say?  Hmmmm.  Can’t, I say.  Can’t can’t can’t.  Mom always said, “can’t means you don’t want to…”

It feels like I can’t stop.  There is so much to do.  Yes, I know that the adrenaline that courses through my body isn’t so great.  I stop on the massage table.  I stop when I walk my dogs.  I promise to build in some more fun… soon. 

I am seeking more support and help.  We are looking into therapists who specialize in trauma and PTSD.  We will get the help we need.  I will find more ways to access my anger.  I will let myself be with the darkness.  I will love my ugly.  (Thanks Sara.) 

We will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes.  But like Andi said yesterday, “just not right now”. 

3 Weeks

Three weeks ago today, I began what was to be a full day of conference calls before my trip to California.  Nothing seemed amiss, I had no premonitions of life altering forever, I just knew I needed to pace myself so as not to allow stress to overtake me during my busy day….

Were my nightmares of selling our house a premonition?  Was my declaration that 2012 be the year to release attachments an invisible force?  Was the resurgence of my depressive state in January and February a glimpse into my future?  Does God hate me?  Am I karmicly cursed?  Did I not have enough character already?  Do we live in a meaningless and random universe?  I will never truly know.  What I do know is I get to choose the meaning I assign to this – and as always, the crucial question is, does my interpretation empower me?  Right now, the jury is still out. 

Those who know me well are aware that March 22^nd marks the day of the loss of our baby.  I won’t go into that story except to say that every year on the anniversary, I reflect, mourn, cocoon, hibernate – and sometimes create. 

Smack dab between David’s birthday and mine, it’s always a rich, yet heart aching time of year.  Because of the loss of our baby in 2003, we decided to reinvent our life.  No longer heading down the path of childrearing and unsure if we would return to that path, we chose to move further out in the mountains.  We owned land in Fairplay and were beginning to break ground there until one day by chance we found our dream home.  Being off-the-grid and off the beaten path – as well as smaller than our old house – we would never have made the move if our pregnancy had continued.  The gift of the loss of our baby Zoey was finding our forever home. 

In 2006, on the anniversary of Zoey, I spent 4 hours on my deck, writing a life Vision as outlined in Jack Canfield’s book The Success Principles.  In this exercise materialized the first time I declared a desire to write books.  Two years later, I caught myself “Waiting for Jack” and the rest is history regarding my emergence as a writer. 

Every year, I go within on this anniversary so 2012 was no different.  I looked at all my keepsakes from my pregnancy, which I memorialized in a beautiful wooden box I kept in my meditation room.  Yet, this time, I considered releasing all of it – and actually had the thought of burning the box.  Not ready for that, I gently placed the box back on the shelf.  Two weeks prior, when Joleen helped us clean out our laundry room, we gingerly moved the wooden cradle David handmade for our baby.  At some point, its leg had broken.  As we carried the beautiful piece out from under the stairs, I studied my husband to see what he would say.  Expecting to hear, “it’s time to pass this along.”  He said, instead, “let’s move this to my shop and I will fix it.”  He wasn’t quite ready to let go either.  I breathed a sigh of relief. 

The "controlled" burn started on March 22nd.  All remnants of Zoey went up in flames on March 26^th. 

This morning, I found a piece I wrote on March 24^th while still in my annual exploration and process:

Life

If we had known, would we take this journey?  If we had known we would forget who we are, spend much of our lives being our worst enemy, run ourselves into the ground only to one day realize that nothing really matters except love – would we have said yes to this adventure? 

They say wisdom come with age – and we know that is not a guaranteed outcome.  It takes a willingness to become self-aware which is distinct from being self-conscious.  Self-awareness is having perspective on ourselves as well as our silly human foibles without making any of it wrong – or catching ourselves as soon as we begin to make it wrong.  Self-consciousness is extreme self-absorption, which is not wrong either; it’s just a distraction from who we really are. 

I celebrated arriving to my forties as I had heard that the forties are an age when one begins to be less concerned with all the things that seemed so important before.  The hope was a mellowing of the need to be liked, a softening of my drivenenss, a deeper level of self-acceptance.  I believe it has been.  And now, as I turn the corner on my mid-forties, heading towards the next stretch toward my fifties (so as not to be cryptic, I turn 46 on April 2^nd!), I take stock again of where I am and who I have become. 

It remained an unfinished exploration, sitting on my Mac, waiting for a conclusion.  I don’t have one now. 

Instead, I wonder who I will become on the other side of this grand adventure.  Having “released” all my material possessions to their fiery grave, I wonder what will emerge.  Hanging in the unknown is what I need to do right now.  One day, I will know again.  Right now, I just need to let myself not know. 

As my new friend and Four Mile Canyon survivor, Andi O’Conor said yesterday: "Just remember, you will be ok. But not right now."  Much gratitude, Andi! 

My trees

This morning begins the second clean up with another crew of angels.  Today, I also am running a virtual writing day with my author clients.  I will lead a conference call at 9am, then head out to the site.  Today, I won’t write with them.  They understand. 

Last night, I attended a gathering of the Four Mile Canyon fire survivors.  They opened their meeting – and their arms - to us North Fork folks, welcoming us into the club that no one ever would choose to join.  Being so early in our process, I was the only North Forker to attend.  Fortunately, I brought my friend Jessica with me. 

They are a lovely, close-knit group of people who have grown and seasoned in ways they never wanted to over the past 19 months.  And, in a room full of 40 people, only a few have re-built.  A couple others bought somewhere else, but the majority is still on the long journey back to “home”.  They are dealing with insurance issues, a flood over their ravaged land that threatened to wash away all the soil and a myriad of other delays.  One shared with me about his PTSD, his ongoing fear and how he still hasn’t returned to a feeling of “normal”.  It was enlightening, sobering and at times too much for me to process.  I would give Jessica a signal, and we would take a breather outside under the cool Boulder sky. 

These seasoned folks know the ropes.  They have systems – a “free” store where many of them re-built a wardrobe, a network of community based businesses that offer discounts when shown the fire survivor ID that they all carry, free counseling from the United Way.  Their representative from the County, Garry Sanfacon, was a kind man who has been with them since the beginning.  He is reaching out to Jefferson County people, knowing where they are at this point and wanting to offer their hard-learned expertise.  We didn’t even know we had a County representative…  We are very early in this game. 

This group offered hugs and support with tears in their eyes.  They know.  They know the shock, disbelief, anger, confusion, grief, lack of sleep, anxiety, overwhelm and more that plagues us now and will continue for a while.  Over and over they say, “It’s a marathon, not a sprint”.  We can’t even begin to grasp that yet.  22 months and they are still dealing with this.  Still unsettled, still exhausted – of course, they have seen gifts – but they warn me with love and care in their words.  Warnings, warnings, warnings… advice and more advice.  I can’t take it all in.  I can’t process it all.  The discussion of erosion prevention keeps emerging and I can’t stand the thought of cutting down my scorched trees after seeing the remnants of some neighbors’ trees after the utility company went in.  Bright white of a once alive tree against the stark black of our new landscape.  It is jarring.  I know we must, but we need to do that slowly.  Gently.  With care.  With a plan. 

David said someone offered to start cutting down trees today – “nooooooooo”, I wailed.  He said, “ok baby, only the few that are a hazard right now and have been tagged by the fire department”.  “Promise me”, I said, “only that few”.  We need a tree expert to come up – make a plan.  I can’t butcher that land any more than it is already.  It is too raw.  I am too raw.  

Writing on

Slept in!  Until 6:35am, that is.  And, woke up twice in the night.  At 4am, I thought I wasn’t going to go back to sleep.  I did – and dreamt that parts of the house were still standing.  I was attending a concert and decided to check my office for my tickets – lo and behold the wall with my bulletin board was still there and I found my concert tickets.  As the dream went on, more and more of my house was standing.  For some unknown reason, we lit a fire in the woodstove.  Then little fires started popping up places, one at the neighbors, one in another stove that we hadn’t lit and we had to run.  I didn’t want to leave it, again. 

Tomorrow we will do our second clean up at the site with another crew of angels.  We will sift through the rest of the rubble of the house (still looking for David’s ring and perhaps a few more treasures) then we will move to David’s workshop – an 18x20 building with a loft, full of his tools, reloading equipment, old barn wood and antique furniture.  It is a disaster. 

Yesterday, I interviewed 4-Mile Canyon fire survivor Andi O’Conor whose house burned to the ground (along with 168 others) in 2010.  She was out of town, with only her dog and a car full of camping gear.  Brutally, this was the second time she lost everything in a fire.  When she was a child, her family home burned down.  She chronicles her experience at www.burningdownthehouseblog.com.

It was an enlightening interview to say the least.  I cannot think of anyone better for my first guest since the fire.  My show (“What Are YOU Waiting For?” on Contact Talk Radio) airs on the 2^nd and 4^th Thursdays of the month at 1pm Pacific/4pm Eastern.  Eerily, the day of my last show (3/22), I had noticed the “controlled” burn (it now only gets quotes as there was no control.  But that is a different post…).  I did what all mountain residents inherently do, I searched my fire info sources until I knew what was happening.  Forest Service conducting a “controlled” burn was the posting.  A sigh of relief, and David and I went on hike with the dogs before my show.  During my intro, I talked about the dangerous dryness we had been experiencing and how ominous it was for our summer ahead.  Four days later, that fire raged out of control.

I could have spent hours in the conversation with Andi.  There simply wasn’t enough time to say all we could have said.  There will be more conversations, as she is becoming a great support – and I imagine she will be a great friend.  She has learned a lot over the past 19 months since her fire.  When we first spoke, she warned me to expect this process to take at least 22 months.  She and many others from that fire are not yet back in their homes.  Still.  She continues to deal with insurance snags and ups and downs and twists and turns in the road. 

Andi offered great advice for those who want to support us fire victims.  (Side bar, I have never ever ever used the word “victim” to describe myself.  I am not a fan of the word as I think it can become an entrenched mindset.  I worked as a Victim Advocate for some years in domestic violence and sex crimes and child abuse cases.  Victimization certainly occurs, but we can be trapped in the powerlessness of the definition.  However, I will use the word for now.  It actually means: to be affected, harmed, or deceived by somebody or something.  Affected and harmed - check!  Victimization certainly happened to those that died in this fire.

So back to her advice around support!  Andi cautions that both well-meaning and not so well-meaning people will come out of the woodwork – and then one day, they will disappear and we will miss the outpouring of support, yet be happy that the predators have returned to their caves.  Fortunately, I haven’t dealt with too many predators as of yet.  “Rest assured”, the seasoned tell me, “they are out there”. 

I always believed I was well-versed in dealing with others pain and crisis.  I am trained as a therapist after all – and I bring a personal track record of my own addictions as a young woman; a cancer diagnosis; infertility and losing pregnancies; the death of dear friends; the death of my beloved dog, Jaxson… and a host of other things.  I know how to be in the darkness with people, how to show up, how to stick around.  Through this process, I am seeing that there is still so much more for me to learn. 

You can apply these suggestions to people in any crisis, but of course I am speaking of this particular one.   And, I am putting a big, fat “PLEASE” in front of all of these!

Don’t start sentences with “At least____”, as in at least you got your wedding album, at least your animals are ok, at least you are alive (we know that one particularly!)

Don’t say, “Now you can build the house you have always wanted!” or “you can fix all those things you didn’t like about your house.”

Don’t say, “You are so lucky that your house burned to the ground!  In my house fire, it only partially burned so it was a bigger nightmare to deal with insurance…”  Someone actually said this to me publically 4 days after the fire.  Way too early to hear this one!

Remember that this is a long, long, long process.  We may appear to be fine on the outside.  And, sometimes we are.  And, we have gone through a major trauma that even we don’t know the extent of (yes, a dangling preposition, mom!).  Andi shares that almost 2 years later, she is still remembering things that were lost.  Recently, someone mentioned their graduation pictures from college and she realized she had lost hers.  I too lost all pictures from my earlier eras.  Everything from childhood, college, baby albums etc are gone.  I have pictures from when I began shooting digitally.  And, the lovely Joleen grabbed a bunch of framed pictures off my shelves.  But, I have nothing else in the way of photos.  There were rows and rows of albums in the shelves below my window seat.  In the mad dash, I didn’t remember them.  I really wish I had Jaxson’s “baby puppy” album.   

Be patient with our process too.  Please don’t think it is “good” when we are doing well and “bad” when we aren’t.  We just will be where we will be and we are where we are.  I certainly appreciate the acknowledgment of our spirit and character during this!!!  And, please know that darkness still looms (if you haven’t already guessed that from my blogs…).

Remind us that you still want to do something to help.  I have heard that the support is enormous in the beginning but that people naturally drop away after a while.  This is to be expected.  Life goes on.  So many people have offered to do something.  As mentioned before, in the beginning, we don’t know what to ask for.  So, for those that want to hang out for the long haul, can you ask again in a month?  I may not remember that you offered, or what you offered.  If you say it once (especially in the beginning), I have certainly already forgotten.  I simply cannot retain information.  There is too much rolling through my brain – and the sleep deprivation is taking its toll.

Overall, email is better than calls.  I have 14 saved messages and 10 more every time I check them.  I can more easily save the emails and refer to them later.  What did they say they would help with again????  Ahhh, I have it in an email. 

Rest assured, we will need help.  That damn inventory list is an enormous undertaking.  I need people who love love love data entry - or at least those who will pretend to love it.  I need people to go to stores with me and price everything.  I need to visit REI, William Sonoma, Pottery Barn and more.  Did I mention we have to list EVERYTHING we ever owned?  Eeeeegads. 

Once clean up is complete, we need to spread some love on the land.  We will need crews again to help us seed and plant and nurture that barren soil.  Put that on your list for a month out if it appeals! 

You also can help us by continuing to spread word of my blog.  (the permanent address for it is www.walkingthroughfire.com)  As a writer, there is nothing more fulfilling than the echoing back of my sentiments and message.  Knowing you are out there listening and reading is making a tremendous difference.  It’s keeping me going.  As, I say to my author clients: write on, people!

To listen to my interview with Andi O'Conor (worth an hour of your time especially if you are engaged in this process with me), please go to www.whatareyouwaitingforshow.com and scroll down to the left.  Thank you from the very bottom of my heart.